Through the last 3 years our family has seen and felt a lot of things. We have had fits of laughter that threatened a run to the bathroom, and times where I litterally felt my heart breaking. I found myself often wondering why, or what am I supposed to learn from this, or why am I paying the price for someone elses choices? I don't know if I will ever have my answers to all of these questions but what I do know is this. I do know that regardless of the cause of a trial there is ALWAYS something we are supposed to learn from it. Some of the things I have learned are...don't give into fear, it will do nothing to help, it will only make things worse. #2 I am in charge of only the things that I can do, and everything else is up to the Lord, #3 regardless of what's going on I need to be kind and give as much as I can, #4 the only things that really matter are my family, the gosple, and love, if I have those things and live by them the rest will take care of it's self. #5 work hard, and then work harder, after I do that and show I'm willing to do my part then I can be blessed.
As I was reflecting today on the past years I realized that eventhough I despise what we have gone through, if we hadn't I wouldn't be who I am today. I have been forever changed. I have had to forgive in order to heal my heart. I have had to learn to do things I never did before. I am stronger and less afraid of others and more concerned with my responsiblitiy to the Lord. I am willing to admitt wrong, fault and mistakes and ask for forgiveness more often. One of the biggest changes I have felt is my knowledge, my more acute knowledge that my Heavenly Father knows me. He has sent many tender mercy's my way, mostly by others, but sometimes just to my heart. I know that he has prepared a way for us to navigate through it all, but always with our work included in the equation.
I guess that through all of this "refining" my hope is that I am a kinder, stronger, more faith filled person. A person that because of the sorrow and fear that has at times consumed my soul, that I can be a source of hope and strength for others. I know that I am not alone in my trials, that there are countless others who go through challenges that can echo my thoughts. And although we all face different things, often the fear and sorrow are felt the same. There have been many times that I would remember what the Lord told Joseph Smith in D&C 121 "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment" This is what I have clung to for 3 years. A small moment. It will change, it won't be the same forever. And you know what? It did change. Not a lot but there were changes enough times to sustain us, and to help us move on to the next chapter.
We are all stronger than we know, more capable than we believe and more loved than we can understand. My goal is to live so I can help others know these things, and maybe by working for this goal I will come to know more and see more often the tender mercy's I am given everyday.
